An Interview With Candice Georgiadis
Set family screentime boundaries. Try finding a time of day or evening when you agree everyone will stop using screens or phones. This could be dinnertime, or breakfast, or in the evening before bed. Have everyone put their screens away physically and make time to talk. Even though it’s hard, it’s so important to model these boundaries for kids — and it also helps us to have time away.
As a part of my series about “How extremely busy executives make time to be great parents” I had the pleasure to interview Rebecca Rolland.
Rolland is an oral and written language specialist in the Neurology Department of Children’s Hospital Boston and a lecturer at Harvard University. As a nationally certified speech-language pathologist, she has worked clinically with populations ranging from early childhood through high school and provided teacher professional development. As faculty and Module Director at Harvard Medical School, she lectures on topics of communication, mental focus, and creativity. She frequently consults with organizations working to design powerful learning experiences for kids and adults, including the World Bank. She has an Ed.D. from the Harvard Graduate School of Education, an M.S. in Speech-Language Pathology from the MGH Institute of Health Professions, an M.A. in English from Boston University, and a B.A. in English from Yale. She lives in Boston, Massachusetts with her husband and two children. RebeccaRolland.com
Thank you so much for joining us! Can you tell us your “childhood backstory”?
Sure! I grew up in Atlanta, Georgia, and loved reading and writing from a young age, especially poetry. I was definitely a bit of a bookworm. When I was about 16, I went to a summer camp on world religions, which was pretty unusual, in that the counselors took us on “field trips” to visit adherents of many different religions in their place of worship, and invited us to talk to them. During that summer, I visited a mosque, a synagogue, a church, a Buddhist temple, and a Hare Krishna temple, among several others. Throughout, I was impressed by the openness and grace I found in these conversations, and how much they opened my somewhat sheltered mind. I can still remember eating the cookies the members of the synagogue had made and listening to them talk about the love they put into every effort.
Later, as my professional career led me to education, I merged my interests in language and human interactions by studying speech-language pathology. This career allowed me to work with people in a humanistic way while emphasizing a topic I’ve always been passionate about. At the same time, I’ve held onto that interest in exploring and celebrating the differences between people, and in helping children to do so. This led me to my work writing my recent book, “The Art of Talking With Children.” Whenever I realize I don’t understand something about another person’s beliefs or actions, I see it as an opportunity to talk with them and learn more. This is the kind of attitude I hope to instill in kids.
Can you share the story about what brought you to this specific point in your career?
Yes! As a new mother, after the birth of my first child, I wanted to read all I could about what to do in every scenario. There were books about how to stop your child from having tantrums; books about what you’d need to buy for the first year; even books about how to prepare your young child for school. But there was almost nothing about the kinds of conversations you could have, and how you could inspire your child to think bigger and expand their hearts and minds, from the youngest ages. If anything, most of the books were about how to “stop” your child from doing something (for example, talking back). I thought this was really disappointing — and I wished that there was a book about conversations with kids.
At the time, I was a doctoral student at Harvard and was researching the importance of interactions between adults and kids. I knew there was so much exciting work being done on how conversations can build children’s skills and even rewire their brains. I thought, “Shouldn’t we bring these ideas to more parents, educators, and anyone who interacts with kids?”
That’s when I came up with the idea of a “double promise.” That is, these kinds of purposeful conversations let you have more fun in the moment with kids. They also build children’s kindness, confidence, and creativity over the long term. It’s been a fascinating journey, involving interviews with dozens of parents, caregivers, teachers, and psychologists. I’m so glad to share it with readers.
Can you tell us a bit more about what your day to day schedule looks like?
I wear a lot of different hats, depending on the time of year and season. Personally, I’m the mom of two school-aged kids, who keep both my husband and me busy! Professionally, at times, I am teaching graduate students at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, either in person or remote, due to COVID. I’ve also been teaching at the Harvard Medical School, mostly remote, and helping students edit and revise their written work. I’ve worked as a speech pathologist at hospitals and schools, most recently to diagnose learning disabilities, and frequently consult with outside organizations on learning and curriculum development. Finally, I make time for my own writing, both professionally and on the more creative side — since I also write fiction, nonfiction, and poetry. As part of those creative pursuits, I consult with clients on their own writing projects through Grub Street, an adult creative writing organization.
It definitely feels like a gift to be involved in so many roles, all united by the goals of nurturing communication, authenticity, and creativity. By taking part in these activities, I try to show my kids that we can pursue our passions, and that those passions can change over time. But that all creates challenges for sure in time management! Interestingly, I’ve taught workshops for Harvard Medical School on harnessing your focus and time to support your creativity. This is a big and growing interest of mine.
Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the core of our discussion. This is probably intuitive to many, but it would be beneficial to spell it out. Based on your experience or research, can you flesh out why not spending time with your children can be detrimental to their development?
Yes, it’s interesting that you ask that, because there has been more and more research being done not just on the quantity of time parents and caregivers spend with kids, but also the quality of that time and attention. When you don’t spend this time with children, they notice it and pull away. They don’t develop as strong an attachment to you as they would otherwise. This affects so much else in their lives: everything from their relationships with others to their mental health, and even their physical health and mood. Think about that time as building a strong foundation for them to go out into the world.
On the flip side, can you give a few reasons or examples about why it is so important to make time to spend with your children?
What you want to focus on is building a strong and positive bond. Children should feel seen and heard, and you as the parent should feel seen and heard too. One important study from Harvard’s Center from the Developing Child found that the single most important key to raising resilient children is having “at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult.” That’s a powerful statement. It suggests that you have the chance to have an enormous positive impact on your child’s life now, and in years to come.
According to this study cited in the Washington Post, the quality of time spent with children is more important than the quantity of time. Can you give a 3–5 stories or examples from your own life about what you do to spend quality time with your children?
Sure. I find it helpful to keep in mind that quality time doesn’t always look the same for all kids, or in all seasons of a child’s life. Going with the flow is critical. Think about meeting a child where they’re at, and ideally, doing something you can both enjoy. For me, it’s looked recently like:
- Sitting with my kids, chatting, doing crafts.
- Writing a story collaboratively with my daughter. (She comes up with ideas, I write them the next day, and then she reads them and gives her feedback!)
- Playing card and board games with both kids.
- Going swimming as a family. (I especially love open-water swimming in local lakes and hope to help my kids become strong swimmers as well.)
- Playing the New York Times “Spelling Bee” game together. (It’s surprisingly addictive!)
We all live in a world with many deadlines and incessant demands for our time and attention. That inevitably makes us feel rushed and we may feel that we can’t spare the time to be “fully present” with our children. Can you share with our readers 5 strategies about how we can create more space in our lives in order to give our children more quality attention? Please include examples or stories for each, if you can.
Yes, definitely! This is such an important topic. There are so many demands put on us as parents and caregivers, in ways that make it nearly impossible not to feel overwhelmed. Parents and caregivers everywhere need better support — and it’s a discussion I hope we start having a lot more. In the meantime, I’ve found these tips helpful:
- Set family screentime boundaries. Try finding a time of day or evening when you agree everyone will stop using screens or phones. This could be dinnertime, or breakfast, or in the evening before bed. Have everyone put their screens away physically and make time to talk. Even though it’s hard, it’s so important to model these boundaries for kids — and it also helps us to have time away.
- Try “bookmarking” conversations. If your child wants to talk but you don’t have time or aren’t in the mood, try something like, “I want to talk about that, but I can’t right now. What about at bedtime?” You’re “bookmarking” the talk, telling your child that you will have the talk, but later. That lets them know you still care. It also models your taking care of yourself.
- Do chores and other duties together. Sometimes, I hear parents who feel they need to be playing with their kids when the kids are awake, and then do chores and other household duties after they’re sleeping. But we’ve forgotten how much of society used to work. That is, children follow along, help, or simply hang out while their parents are doing chores. You get time to talk, and you get the chores done.
- Make “work time” and “play time.” If you do have emails to catch up on, or work to do, try setting a time limit for yourself. Tell your child that you have work for that much time, and help them find a way to play alone. Then set the computer or work aside and be fully present. That can help if you find yourself always checking your emails or otherwise “on.”
- Give yourself compassion. Sometimes, there are just busy seasons: busy weeks, days, or months. You won’t always have the time you want to have with your kids, and that’s okay. Still, try to have at least one check-in time with each child, every day. Sit with them quietly and see what’s on their minds.
How do you define a “good parent”? Can you give an example or story?
I think the very fact that we’re thinking about how to be “good parents” means that we’re most likely good parents! To me, a good parent is simply someone who takes the time to be self-reflective about their parenting, including their strengths and challenges and their areas of growth. It’s also key to be humble in recognizing that all of us have made — and continue to make — mistakes!
Learning how to apologize well is so important in helping us shore up our relationships with our kids. It’s also so important to model to them how we handle things when they don’t go right. They learn from our experiences and talk. So many kids, especially young ones, think they’re the ones who get things “wrong,” and their parents get things “right.”
I remember a time recently when my 10-year-old daughter asked me if the answer to a math problem she’d been working on was right. I said yes without thinking about it. But then, after I’d had a moment, I realized the answer was wrong — and I saw how we’d probably both made the same error. It was interesting to talk to her about it, since she was surprised at my error and told me, “But I thought you know how to do math.” This gave me the chance to talk more about how no one knows everything, and even when we think we know something, rushing can make it hard to show what we know.
This goes to a point I make to parents a lot: Talking about our errors in a relaxed way is a really powerful way to teach kids to relax about their own mistakes. It also takes off some of the pressure we might feel to know all the answers or get everything right.
How do you inspire your child to “dream big”? Can you give an example or story?
I try, as best as I can, to let both my kids know when I find their ideas really interesting or intriguing. This can be as simple as sitting with a child and listening to their ideas about the world, really trying to follow their train of thought, and go along with their playful thinking. Consider how to expand their ideas. For instance, my 5-year-old wanted to talk about how many balloons it would take for him to float up to the sky. We guessed around at the number, and then I asked him what he’d want to see once he was up there. This isn’t a recipe or a script I was following. It’s much more like an attitude: just being curious about what a child is curious about, and going on that journey with them.
I also try to help their questions grow bigger, not smaller, and start with the belief that they can understand things. For example, one day my younger child was asking me about negative numbers. He wanted to know what happens when you go under zero. It would be really easy to say, “Well, those numbers don’t exist” or even “You’re too young to understand that.” But I got out a piece of paper and drew a number line, and we talked about how numbers can be both more and less than zero. He still doesn’t completely understand it, and that’s part of the process. It’s important to remember that kids grow in their understanding over time. But planting the seed, and letting the idea inspire them, is so important.
It’s also a great challenge to us as adults to make big ideas understandable to anyone. If a rocket scientist can explain her work to a child, why can’t we explain negative numbers, or gravity, or any other concept that might appear too “hard”? It’s all in the ways we do it, and in the questions we ask.
How do you, a person who masterfully straddles the worlds of career and family, define “success”?
Thanks — although I’m still a work in progress! I firmly believe that success is as unique as each individual. It’s all about defining your values and finding ways, even if they’re only small ways, to live by them. This doesn’t mean having a high-powered job or a perfect family. It does mean having the courage to see how, within your life circumstances, you can live out what you believe. It also means having self-compassion. At times, it’s not possible to make dramatic changes in our lives or perfectly live out values. But we can work, within our own means, to do so — which is not only important for us, but a powerful lesson for kids.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a better parent? Can you explain why you like them?
I love the classic “How to Listen so Kids Will Talk and Talk so Kids Will Listen.” It lays out, in simple and readable terms, how to set a foundation of communication and respect. I’m also a big fan of Mona Delahooke’s work on brain-body parenting, as it provides great insight into why kids are behaving as they are. When we start with this understanding, it’s often much easier to approach situations with love and compassion, rather than only frustration. Lenore Skenazy’s Let Grow Project is a great resource if you’re interested in helping to build a child’s confidence and resilience — while expanding your sense, as a parent, of what’s possible.
In terms of podcasts, there are so many great ones. I particularly like “Parent Footprint with Dr. Dan,” since it encourages us as parents to reflect on how our histories affect our parenting. Also, I’d recommend Elaine Miller-Karas’s show “Resiliency Within,” since it does a fantastic job exploring how to build resilience with experts from around the world.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
I love this quote by Pema Chödrön: “The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” This quote highlights for me the fact that we all face challenges — but so often, we pile onto those challenges by worrying or pitying ourselves. When I start worrying or feeling anxious, I do my best to separate the worry from the challenge, and not make more of the difficulty than is already there. It’s certainly far from easy, but I have found it a truly helpful reminder when I’m stressed! This is also a critical lesson to pass down to kids.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
First, I’d like to get behind the new movement in early childhood education to educate young children about climate change — but not by lecturing them. Instead, the idea is to experiment and explore alongside young children — for example, gardening with kids and collaborating with them to respond to what the garden needs, or using FaceTime to explore creeks together across the planet. There’s a great article by Veronica Pacini-Ketchabaw in The Conversation about it. I think this is such a fabulous idea, because it helps us as adults realize the power of rethinking our relationship with the environment, while teaching a whole generation of young people to work with rather against the natural world.
Secondly, on a more personal level, I’d like to inspire a movement to help each and every person recognize that their life story is an interesting one, if they take the time to reflect on it. I’d love to inspire people to write their own life stories and histories and pass them down to future generations, with the idea that each of our viewpoints and experiences offer a unique vision of the world.
To start, simply ask yourself: “What about my life story is unlike anyone I know?” Take some time to brainstorm and free write. You’ll likely be surprised by what comes up!
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
Wonderful, thank you for the interview. I enjoyed it!
Harvard University’s Rebecca Rolland: How Extremely Busy Leaders Make Time To Be Great Parents was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.