Tia Fagan: Five Things We Can Do To Develop Serenity And Support Each Other During These Anxious Times

Connecting to ourselves: A simple practice of asking yourself — what do I need at this moment? I often recommend people find a comfortable position, place their hand on their heart, and take three deep breaths in and out through the nose with a longer exhale.

As a part of my series about the things we can do to develop serenity and support each other during anxious times, I had the pleasure of interviewing Tia Fagan.

Tia Fagan is a Conscious Parenting and Authenticity Coach and has been coaching and guiding people since 2016. Through explorations and accessible tools, Tia helps people release the expectations and pressures that life has placed on them over the years, especially in their parenting. Tia’s mission is to help people reclaim their truth and inner knowing, empowering them to create deeper relationships, more peace, joy, and authenticity within their family and life.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you share with us the backstory about what brought you to your specific career path?

I spent my life fulfilling the expectations of others — excel in school, go to college, have a well-paying job, get married, have kids. I was a ‘good girl’ and did as I was told. I worked as an environmental engineer, bought a house, got married, and then became pregnant. I followed the rules. I stayed in my head. I lost myself in the process. Yet I often wondered — who was I really?

Then uncertainty and unpredictability arrived. Halfway through the pregnancy, I found out I was having twins. Two weeks later, I was put on bed rest, and at 34 weeks, news from the latest ultrasound indicated that one of my daughters stopped growing, so I was induced for delivery. My daughters spent the next 12 days in the NICU before coming home. My daughters made it clear from the beginning that any expectations of motherhood I had would be tossed aside. Over their first eight years, I often asked myself, “Why didn’t I feel good about how I was parenting? Why can’t I trust myself? What was I doing wrong?” These questions started me on my path of rediscovering my authentic self and becoming a conscious parent. I began to pause rather than punish, listen rather than lecture, connect rather than correct, feel rather than fix. With this radical shift, the relationships with my daughters deepened to one of mutual admiration and respect. Having said that, I am not perfect, and I no longer want to be. However, I continue to grow, learn and put in the effort each day to show up as authentically as I can.

With my own experience, I realized that my life’s purpose was to help others to find a way of living and parenting from a heart-centered and connected space. I am now a certified Conscious Parenting & Authenticity Coach dedicated to guiding and supporting parents in the process of re-discovering themselves with the understanding that their children are their wisest teachers. Their children invite them to go within, question, wonder, heal and re-find their true selves. By unlocking their authenticity, they can support their children, regardless of age, as they stay connected to their inner knowing, their truth, and their voice. This work and the conscious coaching that I and others provide are ultimately shifting the parenting paradigm and changing not only their family, but future generations.

Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started your career?

Early in my coaching career, a mother of three children under six reached out to me for help. She was frustrated and desperate for solutions to fix her children. I gently explained that my role as her coach would not be to provide tools to change her children but to become curious about what was going on within herself, her children, and examine the bigger picture. I could feel her hesitation since she was feeling overwhelmed, yet I could sense deep down she was yearning to be the parent her children needed her to be, and she longed to be as well. I admit I was hesitant to work with her at the time. I didn’t want to waste her time and money since she was focused on solutions on that first call. However, I felt deep within me to trust that she was drawn to conscious parenting and was looking for more than fixes and set my fear aside. We started working together. I deeply listened. She continued to ask for solutions at the beginning and while I was tempted to give her fixes and ideas, I resisted. I trusted myself, my coaching ability, and the process. As she started to practice and implement conscious parenting and began rediscovering herself, she experienced shifts within herself and her children. She stepped into becoming the parent her children needed, and most importantly, she reconnected with her authentic self. She began to feel calmer and more empowered. She trusted herself and her ability to show up for her children in how each of them needed. It was beautiful to witness how if we hold space for another, gently reflect back without judgment, families change as a parent steps into their truth. This memory reminded me how believing in another and oneself is a powerful gift. She trusted me, and I trusted her ability to rise and step into who she inherently was inside. She was able to find more joy, not only in her parenting but in her life. I feel lucky that she chose to work with me at the beginning of my career. She and others like her are a powerful reminder of why I do this work.

What advice would you suggest to your colleagues in your industry to thrive and avoid burnout?

A piece of advice I wish I had received when I started coaching was to be mindful of creating space in our day for ourselves, even if it is just a few minutes before and after being with a client. We must model and remind ourselves that while we are fully present for our clients and give them every bit of our attention, not to forget to do the same for ourselves. I often take at least five minutes before each client to connect to myself so that I can release any tension or stress I may be holding onto to be fully present for our time together. Taking this little bit of time helps create a safer space because I am fully there for them, letting go of anything I may have been holding onto prior to a session.

As we nourish our inner space, not just our outer space, we are better able to come into each session with expansion, receptivity, and openness. Creating that internal connection and time also allows for more clarity in the rest of our business to thrive too.

What advice would you give to other leaders about how to create a fantastic work culture?

Even though I work for myself at home, I ensure that I have connections with other colleagues. To create a virtual work culture, especially one as a sole business owner means intentionally connecting and putting in the effort to reach out to others. I often ask myself; how can I support another? I feel strongly about collaboration and abundance, not competition. Creating a healthy and fulfilling work culture means supporting others on their own work journey and receiving support as well. Working together, making connections, and referring people creates a work culture of support and collaboration that benefits not only those in the business but those we all serve.

Is there a particular book that made a significant impact on you? Can you share a story or explain why it resonated with you so much?

“The Conscious Parent” by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. When I read Dr. Shefali’s book I was still stuck in my parenting despite having been on my own inner journey for several years. I noticed that I was often grasping for control, frustrated, and worrying about losing the connection I had with my daughters. Fear was primarily driving my parenting, and it was not a place that felt comfortable to me. However, I didn’t know another way at that time. As mentioned, I had been on the path of self-discovery at that point, and while unconsciously the inner work was transferring into my parenting, it was not with intention. When I read “The Conscious Parent,” I remember feeling I could fully exhale again. The concepts in Dr. Shefali’s book were what I had been missing in my parenting. I started taking courses from Dr. Shefali, and when she opened up her Conscious Coaching Institute, I became certified in her Conscious Parenting MethodTM.

Because of this book, I began to see my daughters as a window into my own self. They were mirroring back to me the blind spots where I still needed to grow. They reminded me to take the lessons I had been learning on my journey of self-discovery and mindfully bring them into my parenting. Over time, I shifted into more responding and less reacting, more connecting and less correcting, and more listening and less lecturing. Am I perfect? Absolutely not! But each day, I try to do better for myself and my daughters, who are now in their 20s. The learning never ends.

Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s move to the main focus of our interview. Many people have become anxious just from the dramatic jolts of the news cycle. The fears related to the coronavirus pandemic have only heightened a sense of uncertainty, fear, and loneliness. From your experience or research what are five steps that each of us can take to develop serenity during such uncertain times? Can you please share a story or example for each.

Life can often feel overwhelming, and when we feel as though we have no control over our surroundings, what is happening, or how people are interacting with us, we often feel a sense of uncertainty and fear. It helps to remember that we only have control of our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Everything else on the outside is not in our control. However, we do have the ability to decide how to respond to what is happening outside of us. This process is not always easy, and sometimes we may not remember, but as we continue to practice and notice over time, it does become easier and more accessible. Here are five practices we can do to develop serenity during uncertain times:

1. Connecting to ourselves: A simple practice of asking yourself — what do I need at this moment? I often recommend people find a comfortable position, place their hand on their heart, and take three deep breaths in and out through the nose with a longer exhale. As you feel your hand on your heart, gently ask yourself, “What do I need at this moment?” Allow for whatever comes up from within. Sometimes it might be something big such as “I need a vacation” or it may be something smaller like “a walk outside.” Trust what arises and if possible, give yourself this gift and meet the need. For more significant things like a vacation that is likely not doable in the moment, how could you break that down into a small step you can do today? Perhaps it’s looking at old vacation pictures, researching vacation destinations, or watching a video of the ocean waves. It is up to us to find the serenity within. What small thing do you need today? How can you provide it to yourself?
2. Body scan: Our body is always talking to us, but often we are not listening. When we connect to our body, we often find areas of tension or stress that we are carrying because of the uncertainty in life. As you scan your body slowly from the top of your head, down your arms and hands, your abdomen and back, into your pelvis and legs, notice any areas that feel tight and tense. Now try to soften into those areas. You are not necessarily looking to release all of the tension, but if you can soften just a little bit, it helps your body and nervous system relax more and better find a peaceful moment from the inside out.
3. Creativity: Often when we are stressed or anxious, being creative helps release anxiety and fear. Being creative means lots of things and finding what brings us creative joy can get us out of our head and into our heart. Many of us may think we aren’t creative. I used to believe that and now I realize creativity comes in many different shapes and sizes such as cooking, dancing, coloring, writing, or gardening. The possibilities are endless! Enter a space of curiosity and try something creative. It is about the process and the experience, not the end result. Step into the moment, release any judgment, and create.
4. Meditation: The power of meditation to bring us serenity is endless. I often encourage people to create multiple opportunities for meditation throughout their day. It is in the moments of life when we are stressed and worried that we often need it the most, but don’t feel we can access it. Meditation is not only done on a cushion in a quiet space for an extended period of time, but it can also be brought into daily living. Set a timer a few times a day to meditate no matter where you are. You don’t have to sit or have silence around you to do this. It is finding the stillness in the chaos. Mindfully focus on your breath for 3–5 minutes while cooking dinner, in a meeting, playing with your kids, or sitting on the couch. As we notice our breath, let go of the past, and release the future, we are returning to the present moment. Even if it is only for a second, we find serenity for that second because anxiety and worry do not exist in the present moment.
5. Scripting: Often when we feel anxious, out of control, or afraid, we are stuck in a sense that we have no control over a situation or life. Scripting is different from journaling in that we write about how we would like our day or an event to unfold, as if we are setting the scene of a play in which we are in. Through the process of scripting, we are able to regain a sense of serenity. Scripting doesn’t necessarily change the situation or event, but it can help us gain a different perspective. It can allow us to notice that we have more control than we realize through our thoughts and actions. Through scripting, we can see our life situations as an opportunity in how we want to show up and be during uncertain times. We may recognize that we have more choices and control over how we choose to live in this moment. Again it doesn’t mean we can change what is going on around us, but it allows us to change how we perceive, think, act, and feel about it, bringing more serenity.

From your experience or research what are five steps that each of us can take to effectively offer support to those around us who are feeling anxious? Can you explain?

When people around us feel anxious or overwhelmed, we often want to fix and change things to help them feel better and ourselves as well. However, when we step in and try to make things better, we often do the opposite. We also take away their ability to tap into their capacity to feel empowered to help themselves. The more we, as parents, support our children without fixing or changing, but by guiding, the more they will have the ability to support themselves as they grow older and support another who is feeling anxious. Here are five things you can do to support another, regardless of age, from child to adult.

1. Accepting all feelings: Learning how to allow and hold space for big emotions for another is often one of the greatest gifts we can give to someone who is feeling anxious. As we offer support to others, it is important to recognize and accept that whatever feelings another is having is their experience and are valid. We may not understand what they are going through, but we can sit with them as they share their experience and any frustration, uncertainty, anxiety, or other feelings without. This allows for a safe space for them to feel fully seen, heard, and accepted. As we fully embrace their feelings, the anxiety can diminish because they know that they are supported and accepted no matter what they are experiencing.
2. Getting outside together: Sometimes, the best thing we can do with another is encourage them to join us outside and reconnect with nature. There is nothing quite like remembering that we are part of something bigger than ourselves, and nature naturally provides this. Breathing in the outside air, feeling the sun or rain on our skin, moving our bodies, or simply sitting down and taking it all in. Whether you play, walk, or sit together, being outside helps calm our nervous system in a way that only nature can.
3. Not taking things personally: Often when someone is struggling during challenging times, we may take their behaviors or mood personally. We may think we should make things better or they should be doing things differently because they are upsetting or irritating us with their anxious behaviors. However, when we enter curiosity and ask ourselves, “What else may be going on?” or “How can I support them in a way that they need?” As we wonder and look beyond the surface and realize it is not personal, we are better able to see things from a place of acceptance and understanding. From this compassionate space, rather than coming from being defensive or not supportive, we can support them to navigate their anxiety.
4. Allowing for autonomy: As we support someone, especially children, during uncertain times, how can you create age-appropriate opportunities for the child to feel some sense of control and autonomy for themselves? Allowing children to make decisions and do things for themselves can help another feel a little more secure during those uncertain times because they feel more empowered. Through a sense of personal agency, they often feel less anxious because they realize they can change and control what they are able to do, which can often help reduce anxious feelings.
5. Shifting from control to connection: When we shift into supporting someone who is feeling anxious with connection at the forefront, we help the other feel seen and heard, which creates a feeling of connectedness. We may not have noticed how often our own worries may be showing up as control of the other. When we are supporting another, is it possible we may be trying to manipulate the situation or the feelings the other is having? We may be trying to teach a lesson, which in fact creates more anxiety. When we try to control or correct something, we come from a place of disconnection and disempowering the other. An important part of connecting means providing what the other needs, not what we think they need. This attunement allows the other to feel safer and release some of the anxiety they may be feeling.

What are the best resources you would suggest to a person who is feeling anxious?

For children and early adolescents, I recommend GoZen.com and the book “Superpowered” by Dr. Shefali Tsabary and Renee Jain.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” ~ Marianne Williamson

The first time I heard this quote it took my breath away. I was in the first couple of years of my own inner work, and it touched a spot deep inside me where this truth lived within. I always thought I was most afraid of failing, doing something wrong, messing up, but when I heard that our light most frightens us, I realized I was most afraid of being me. I was afraid of shining my light and standing in my truth because what if that meant being rejected for who I truly am. It was a pivotal moment in my life, because it peeled down a defense I had built within me that was afraid of being seen, truly seen, as me. From that day forward I became even more dedicated to continuing my inner work, shining my light, and inviting others to do the same.

You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂

I would love to see a movement of people reconnecting to their authentic selves, which includes a parenting paradigm shift towards conscious parenting. Not only would this movement support the current generation and their children but future generations as well. As people reparent and reconnect to their authentic selves, whether they are parents or not, they inherently influence those they are connected with. And if they are parents, they are able to raise their children with more wholeness and with less projection, fear, and conditioning so that their children are more connected to their authentic selves as they grow older. As people shift internally, they automatically create an external shift in the world around them now and into the future. An added beauty of this movement is that it allows people to move through times of uncertainty with more trust, knowing, conscious choices, and connection.

What is the best way our readers can follow you online?

People can find me at my website https://tiafagan.com or on Facebook, Instagram, or Clubhouse.

Thank you for these fantastic insights. We wish you only continued success in your great work!

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Tia Fagan: Five Things We Can Do To Develop Serenity And Support Each Other During These Anxious… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.